I suck at life. The past month or more I have been overcome by a sort of low-grade melancholy, the likes of which I am all too familiar. It’s the precursor to what I recognize as a self-destruct. I’ve been through this over and over, and each time I figure that I can’t possibly do it again because of *insert stupid reason here*. And each time things go along just fine for a few months, a year even, but eventually the cycle repeats itself.
I have such a hard time focusing on more than one thing at once. When I do something, I pour my entire being into it, leaving very little for anything else. Unfortunately, right now, I’m somehow trying to work, go to school, and of course, take care of Chase. And I feel like I suck at all of them. I’ve been missing school and playing hooky from work without telling Frances so that I can have some time to myself. I feel like I can’t get anything done when Chase is home. And if I try, I’m already completely worn out from work or school, and it’s no use.
Every morning I wake up and lay there far longer then I ought to because I can’t face getting up. I’m so tired. All the time. No matter how much sleep I get, I just want more. On Sunday, for some asinine and thoroughly inconsiderate reason, my apartment manager decided it was a fine time to go around and harass all the residents and tell them to sweep their front porches because there had been a lot of wind during the previous week and there was all kinds of leaves and debris all over the place. This was at 8:30 in the morning. On Sunday. My only day that I don’t have to get up at 6:00am. On top of that, he rang the doorbell, waking the baby. Had I not been in my pajamas, I would have probably killed him. However, it was far too cold for that sort of thing while wearing shorts and a tank top.
On top of that, I am 2 months behind in all my bills, and have been driving around for over a month without insurance unknowingly, because Sara let the policy lapse and gave me the paperwork that the insurance company sent her in anticipation that she would continue it. Great friend, huh?
I feel so overwhelmed. It seems like lately all I do is try and avoid my problems. I hide from the world. I feel like I’m doing a terrible job at work, and at school I keep skipping my business class because it’s too early in the morning. I really need to start going or I will fail it, but I’m just so tired.
cherylann Said:
on March 12, 2008 at 7:15 am
Thank you for your comment. I was glad to see that you were still around. I stop by and visit often… just checking on you I guess. I hope that things have improved for you, and that Chase is growing well. Thinking of you… Cherylann
cherylann Said:
on May 26, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Hi. Just wondering how you are doing. I hope that things have improved in your neck of the woods. I’m sure that Chase is growing up big and strong. Here comes the good stuff. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Cherylann.